“Tell us about you…”

4 little words, innocent, simple and quite banal. 4 little words that could terrify me to the point of nausea. I’ve already said my home life was actually pretty good but that’s with hindsight. When I was growing I would do everything I could to distance myself from my home, do anything I could  to just not be there. Not that I was ashamed of them, I was ashamed of me, of who I was.

So when it came to meeting people and  to those 4 little words what the hell would I say? Pretty much anything that entered my head that was as far removed from who I was as it could possibly be. This was a pattern I would repeat right though to my mid 20’s and looking back I was so far from convincing it was ridiculous, but the alternative was to admit to who I was, who I really was and I hadn’t the balls to do that yet.

By the time I hit high school I had begun to become so insular and self isolating that meeting new people en mass was a whole new anxiety I could allow to destroy me so what better way to cope than not be me. Be someone else. Someone strong and brave. Someone funny and likeable, not a punchbag, a burden. Dial in being the only gay in the village (well, the only “Out” gay at that time, many MANY more have surfaced since) and you can imagine just how much of a hoot high school was.

I would tell half truths, white lies and outright porkers rather than reveal myself. I would try to make myself sound more normal, less screwed up. Superficially I was great company but I could never move that forward and reveal myself. I didn’t like me so why the hell would anyone else.So I continued to isolate myself. The upside was I would seek sanctuary in books, something I do to this day but back then it afforded me knowledge and some pretty healthy grades when the time came to flee school. I might have been worth less than the proverbial on someone’s shoe but by Christ I could sit an exam like a pro!

Gradually I began to fall into a bit of a rut, I had friends don’t get me wrong, but over time the invites to parties, to social events began to dwindle, not because I was disliked, well not completely, mote because I was almost guaranteed to say no, so why bother asking.What has absolutely amazed me is that despite all the bullshit, the purposely keeping people at arm’s length and being about as honest as a Brazilian politician my closest friends have all stuck with me, never left me, not one, never judged and just let me work this out.

To them I owe my life.