A mess sure, but just an average mess.

That’s probably the best way to describe me. Average. I’m by no means anything special, I’m not particulary clever, not particularly funny nor am I particularly popular but what I am is completely and honestly me. I spent years being less than, believing that others were better than me, more worthy than me, just more than me. I’ve already spoken about the hell of meeting new people, of experiencing change, but what is (and it STILL is) at the root of that particular little gem of anxiety is my own intrinsic belief that I am less than, and no matter the amount of counselling, of self-soothing or empowerment that nugget of knowledge will ALWAYS be a core belief however how much heed I pay it depends on me.

I think I was always aware that my childhood was affecting my adulthood, I just didn’t really understand how and why. I knew I was weird and did things differently, I mean I would compartmentalise my friends and try to keep everyone separate; I had schoolmates, I had workmates and I had my social group and would do my absolute best to not let the boundaries blur. On top of that as a general rule my friends would have little to do with my family. What I didn’t recognise is that this is actually pretty normal behaviour under the circumstances; I was finally in control of my life and went to an extreme rather than let the different sides of me become one whole sum. Sounds odd but it actually worked for me for a while. It gave me the space to be who I wanted to be and control what others would see. The downside was that very VERY few people were allowed to get close to me. At the time I thought I was the master of my own destiny, I was a loner and needed no one. What I refused to admit is I was so scared I would have rather kept the world at arms length than risk anyone hurting me again. Then the absolute opposite would happen, I would need to please, I would be the mate that would do anything for anyone, just to be part of the cool crowd, just to be liked. I mean someone had to like me cos I certainly didn’t.

You see it’s one thing being ignorant of something, it’s a whole ‘nother issue having knowledge. People say that knowledge is power but sometimes it’s also pain. I know now that my self worth is based around a distorted and twisted relationship from my childhood where I was constantly told I was a mistake, was dirty, worthless, fit for nothing other than a punchbag to be used for someone else’s amusement. I know that. I’ve always known that yet I can’t change the way I see myself and that’s not a “Woe Is Me, Woe Is Me”. Far far from it, that’s just me being honest. I doubt my self image will EVER change, I’ll always be the little weird kid, too scared to be open and honest, too scared of rejection and ridicule (of COURSE people will laugh and point, of COURSE people are aware of my flaws, my own brother saw right through me, so will everyone else) What’s different is that I’m trying not to care. I’m trying to be more focussed on me and my own influence and less aware of you and yours.

To do that I need to be authentic, I need to be genuine regardless of who or what I am. I thought I’d hit 30 and suddenly be imparted with knowledge, serenity and maturity, like a wise old owl, or Stephen Fry. Well 30 is long gone and that metamorphosis did not occur, I’m still as neurotic and erratic as ever I was. What HAS happened though is I seem to have developed a bit of a conscience, an intuition if you will. I feel it in my gut and it’s like an alarm that goes off when something isn’t right or when someone isn’t being truthful. Before I would either accept someone else’s BS rather than jeopardise a friendship or I would run for the hills rather than risk being hurt, either way dependant on my mood. What my ‘little voice’ does is give me a warning that something or someone is off and I get a bit of time to think things through before reacting. It gives me the space to regulate myself and make a decision before letting my emotions take over.

I’m still not the most popular, not the funniest, not the cleverest, but the difference now is that I genuinely don’t care (mostly). I don’t care to be liked by all, just to be loved by some and to achieve that I think what’s most important is that I’m the best me that I can be.

I am my only competition

That’s What I Am.