I’ve never wanted apologies. Not from my abuser, not from my parents, not from anyone because I genuinely believe no one needs to say sorry for anything that’s passed. I always believed that my abuser had been on the receiving end of a similar experience and just didn’t have the strength to not continue the cycle, turns out I was completely wrong but that’s a whole ‘nother post. As for my parents, I know without a SHADOW of a doubt that they had no inkling of what was happening and have absolutely nothing to feel responsible for, guilty for nor need they apologise for. It’s everyone else I can’t really deal with.Almost without exception, whenever anyone gets to know about my past the first reaction is ‘I’m sorry’.

Now, I know that that is a natural human response which can either be an uncomfortable reaction in the absence of knowing what else to say, or it could just be a genuine sympathetic feeling. Either way I find it really hard to work out what to do with that. Imagine going to a job interview and farting. No matter how much you wish you hadn’t and want to take it back you both know it’s out there and neither of you mention it. That’s exactly how I feel when people say ‘sorry’. It just makes me feel really awkward, and no matter how hard I try not to I can’t stop myself from thinking ‘Sorry for what? Were you there? Did you do it? No, so what in the name of arse are you apologising for?’.

Its not that I can’t sympathise, I absolutely can. I mean, what the hell do you say when someone tells you they were abused? Ignore it? Laugh it off? If you don’t make some kind of acknowledgement you sound like a first class asshole but that still doesn’t make ‘sorry’ easier for me to accept. Ridiculous right? I’d probably be a psychologist’s wet dream: ‘The client is unable to accept positive reinforcement or sympathy due to a diminished perception of self worth‘. Bollocks. I struggle with others’ sympathy only because I don’t see a need for it. Bizarrely I’m not sorry it happened so why should anyone else? I realise I have no access to a crystal ball so I guess I have no idea who I would have been had I not had the life I have but I absolutely believe that we are all the sum of our experiences and influences. Now I know I’ve already spoken about my memories of childhood but I see my past experiences as a bit of a stick and rather than use it to beat myself (and others) with (I was abused, don’t you know….), I  choose to use it to prop myself up with, and I know I’ve also spoken of my own twisted self image but here’s where one of the many contradictions that are me come in to play.

You see I kinda like myself. I like the reaction I get from my family when they see me. I like how tightly my good friends hold me when they meet up with me. I like the way my partner looks at me when he thinks I’m not aware. I like the feedback I get from my colleagues and clients. I’m not daft, I know this is because they all see me as good, see me as worthy and although i can’t quite flip my mindset i know that all of these people can’t be collectively hoodwinked and just now that affirmation and confirmation is more than I can wish for, more than I need to feed my peace. I also know that had I not have had the experiences I have, had I not struggled with depression, substance abuse, self image, risk-taking, poor choices and everything else that goes along with surviving abuse I wouldn’t know authentic, genuine empathy. I would never know how rewarding it is to work from a place of empathetic understanding, not just sympathetic responses because being able to say to someone ‘I know exactly how you feel, let me help’ is much more effective than ‘I’m sorry’.