And not just when I laugh either. (See what I did there…..)

Let me just say that I am by no means a miserable sod, not by along shot. Generally I’m quite a positive person, at least I try to be anyway. What I’m aware of is that I often experience happiness differently to others. When I was younger and had less responsibility and to be honest even less of a conscience I would do exactly what I pleased, as and when I pleased and that was how I derived my happiness; immediate, superficial and selfish. I don’t say selfish as a negative, I absolutely believe that no one is truly selfless, no one. My thought is that every thing everyone does is to benefit themselves to a degree, be that to gain a financial benefit, feed a sense of duty or to get a feeling of well being I believe that no one is truly altruistic. Maybe I think a bit differently to others’ but I really don’t see this as a criticism or a negative, just an observation, if we are to accept and glorify our positive sides surely we need to accept and embrace those that others would see as negative but that’s a whole different post and as usual, I digress.

Happiness.

It’s an odd thing for me. It’s not that I can’t appreciate it, I absolutely can, what my problem is what makes me happy and how that feels or looks for me. What I have realised is that as I have grown, and as my life has changed the source of my happiness has changed and I guess it has had to. Before, in the Grand Old Days, if I was feeling low or vulnerable for whatever reason, I would do anything to boost my self esteem, get a bit of affirmation that would last me all of, oh ten minutes but it would work nonetheless.

The key was that my behaviours affected no one but me, so imagine how well THAT worked once I bit the bullet and let myself get ‘romantically involved’. I would follow the same old formula and wouldn’t, couldn’t grow or mature. I used to be a bit emotionally unintelligent in that I was pitifully unaware of my own triggers and didn’t really have the maturity to navigate personal relationships well, so I would always gravitate to Mr Inappropriate, the ones where there couldn’t POSSIBLY be any semblance of a future, yet would give me an air of respectability in having a ‘boyfriend’ because round about this time I was getting myself a reputation.

I’ve already said that I’m my own worst enemy, my own fiercest critic but I steadfastly believe that at that particular time in my life there was no way I could be anything other than emotionally blunted, I was dealing with my own confidence issues, my own self esteem, of COURSE I couldn’t contemplate anyone else, that would have been WAAAAY too much to cope with.

Now let me just clarify something. Although I’ve quite often been quick to recognise negative situations or toxic people I’ve not been so quick to remove myself from or resolve the situations and in a very short spell of hitting the gay scene the naivety I had very swiftly evaporated and I began to see a lot of people for who they actually were, more importantly I began to understand my life as my own story to write. Admittedly it’s sometimes been a bloody Carry On script, other times it’s been as surreal as a bad Hollyoaks episode but it’s been mine and mine alone and I have been quite adept at working out who would be in my life for the long term and who would just be a bit player.

This has given me the balls to not actually give a damn what most folk thought of me, so when my reputation began to develop, when the gossips began to crow I genuinely did not give one iota of a f*** what those who didn’t really matter thought. What my friends thought of me however was a whole different matter and I think that this separation and realisation is when I began to let myself grow emotionally. I began to understand what ramifications my attitude and recklessness had for me. This coincided with the advent of the Manchild but I’d like to address that chapter in a different post so I’ll skip him for now if y’all don’t mind.

So back to the script….

I haven’t ever had some massive epiphany or awakening type experience that has rewired my brain and suddenly given me self worth, what I have had is love. I’m a massive believer in fate, in situations presenting themselves to us just when they are meant to, when we are ready to experience them. I thoroughly believe that DejaVu happens when a person is at the right point on their spiritual path at exactly the right time and that echo of remembrance is the universe’s own method of affirmation and confirmation, but anyway, back to emotional deretardation.

For about 6 years following the Manchild I had happily bounced from one bloke to the next, never anything major to be had, never a future wanted. I got myself to the point where I had actually had a full on conversation with the universe, just me in my car where I audibly accepted Singledom, if that was my future then fine, I had a great bunch of friends, my family was beginning to heal and I had a terrific job. If I was destined to be alone I was content with that.

Then came Friday 27th March 2015.

I had logged onto a dating app and got chatting to a random bloke, he was funny and sweet, handsome and attentive but he lived about 80 miles in one direction from me and was heading about 60 miles in the other direction for the weekend so I didn’t even begin to think of anything coming from this. We messaged literally ALL of that weekend culminating in me driving up to Aberdeen on a whim; I had made a few repairs to my car and needed to road test it, he invited me up so up I went, I mean what was the worst that could happen? I’d meet someone new, have a bit of a laugh and (hopefully) come home.

I think I knew I was in trouble when I began to recognise the area near to his home; a church at the top of the street, a pub on the other side of the road, an old school etc etc. I parked my car next to a row of houses that I swear to this day I’ve already been in and I walked up to the door. For some reason I was nervous, excited, apprehensive and scared and I had absolutely no idea why so I knocked on the door and waited.

You know how people say that when you die your life flashes in front of you? Ever have your future do that? In the split second that he opened the door that’s exactly what happened; I knew instantly that this man was love, that I was safe with him, that the rest of my life lay with him and that he would let me grow and develop at my own pace, that there was absolutely nothing I had to hide. I swear to God there was a little voice in my right ear that simply said “that one is yours.”

So I laughed.

I laughed because I felt light, I felt freer than I ever had and I felt hope. I laughed because I knew what was about to happen and I had no idea what was next. I laughed because I was stood on the edge of a cliff and had no option but to jump and that made me so happy.

We went on to have ‘that night’. You know the one where all you do is talk for hours and hours, literally until daybreak. By the time I left he knew everything, and I MEAN everything about me, my scars, my burns, my abuse, my history, everything, and I knew him, at least my heart knew him. I drove home feeling about 10 years younger and knew then and there that I would marry that man,

Who am I kidding? I knew it from the second he opened his door.

So suddenly I had found real love and that made my anxieties go, my brain rewire itself and all of those old behaviours disappeared.

Bollocks it did.

I’ve said before that I am really quite naive but even I knew that this was never gonna happen, I’m not Cinderella.

When I talk about maladaptive coping strategies or negative behaviours I don’t just mean promiscuity, I mean lots of different things I would do to either make me feel good in that instant or get me out of a situation. I was dismissive of others, self isolative, used drugs to a degree and was impulsive. When I was in other relationships none of that mattered because if I’m brutally honest and with fear of causing offence, at the time the other person didn’t really matter and I think that’s a difficult pill for those close to abuse victims to swallow, nothing and no one is bigger or more influential than the pain.

I think PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is likely the best descriptor of how the negative residual feelings and experiences can manifest and as most abuse survivors can be impulsive and become self abusive those who are close to the eye of the storm are often those who bear the brunt of the pain, they are the ones who tend to get hurt first and hurt worst.

I doubt anyone ever purposely goes out to hurt another person or disappoint their loved ones,I absolutely didn’t but before I began to really fight,  and I mean REALLY fight the negative, the only thing in my head, the only focus I had in those instances was to instantly make myself feel better about who and what I was which invariably never worked. Now I’m older and wiser (my training was LITERALLY like a light going on) and I have let myself settle and allowed myself to accept help, things are beautifully and difficultly different.

Whenever things get tough and I begin to struggle with myself I still have the impulses and the urges  and every damned day Is a battle within my own head; I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough, I’m a fraud, the usual. But what I’m finding is that the choice is becoming more straightforward to make each day and that’s because I make these choices for my partner.

Let me explain why.

I will not now nor  will I ever wake up and have a fixed belief that I am worthy. That is just never going to happen. I do believe it at times, and those times seem to be more longer lasting and come around more often but in my core I’m always going to be 6 and less than. So what do I do? Carry on torturing myself? Spend the rest of my life in the same cycle, miserable and rotting?

Hell no!

I have a good life, I have a great career and I have the most wonderful partner whom I absolutely worship so when I begin to battle myself, when I start to reach for the Self Destruct button, I put him first.

He’s the reason I stay faithful, He’s the reason I toe the line. Hurting  him would destroy me so I simply can’t. We have this little thing where if  I tell him I love him I always follow it up with “kinda like ya too!” and although it is just a little thing for me It’s MASSIVE. I do like him, I like how we get along ridiculously well, we just laugh constantly; I like how he is just as weird as me; I like how in his mind intimacy is more important than sex and he takes that pressure from me; I like how he seems to just instinctively know what to say or what to do to make me feel loved and I like that he is making me like me a bit more every damned day of my life.

I’ve never understood how making someone else smile was way more important than making myself smile but that’s exactly where I am today. My purpose in life is to help other people, make their lives brighter and make them smile and I do it completely selfishly. I may not show it but I know I feel it.

I’m Happy.