I’m struggling.

I’ve just spent the best weekend with two of my oldest, closest friends which ended up in a very deep conversation about childhoods, adulthoods and the road to wellness. These kids have been in my life for the last 30 years so know me very, very well however I discovered that one had no knowledge of this blog, none whatsoever. I explained some of the posts and suddenly realised that I’ve written this in a very linear trajectory and that bothers me for a few reasons.

Firstly, I recognise that part of this organised and deliberate way of writing is partly because I am a self confessed control freak and respond extremely well to structure and routine, this being entirely due to the lack of control through my childhood. The problem I have is my thoughts are much less than structured and sometimes the clash is really difficult to manage. My brain often runs at about 100mph and I regularly find that unless I am really interested in something and can really focus there’s absolutely zero point in starting a task because if I cant complete it well, and to the best of my own abilities I torture myself. And then I struggle.

The second reason the blog bothers me is that my own trajectory, my own recovery has been anything but linear. I do feel that there has been a steady emotional and mental awakening if you will and I genuinely believe that there has been points during my recovery that I have been in situations I was supposed to be in, when I was supposed to be in them. I believe these were so I could continue to expand myself through learning, teaching or just through experiencing (that’s more linked into my own spirituality though, might expand on that another time but as usual…..I digress) but on a day to day basis? I’m still struggling.

I’m still struggling because no matter how enlightened I become, no matter how aware I am of cause and effect I know myself well enough to know that my own demons, my own ability to spectacularly self destruct will always be within me. I don’t think for a single second that I will waken up one morning and feel ‘healed’ nor will I suddenly be what most people would describe as ‘normal’ because I know that the way I see me will always be the same. I’ve touched on how that manifests and why it will always be omnipresent, what I haven’t explained is why I’m okay with it.

I’m okay with it because I have no other choice. I’m well aware that my life is actually really good now, I’m genuinely at my happiest and my most content and part of that has been through accepting the dark and the light and not giving life to the dark. The only way I can comfortably recognise and appreciate the times when I’m really, truly blessed is to completely understand the times when I’m not and to do that I need to acknowledge them. Recognise what it is that’s making me insecure, understand why it’s reared it’s head and just leave it where it is. Give it no power, no space and no energy. Taking time to understand why I’m feeling what I’m feeling doesn’t necessarily make it any more palatable or tolerable, it gives me a chance to move away from the negative, dismiss the darkness and appreciate the light.

And still I struggle.

Every. Single. Day. I struggle.

Little things. The way someone says hello can knock me sideways; if a stranger looks at me for too long I start to worry and if I do something wrong, well that’s just mental freefall but that’s okay. I need to be authentically me and to do that I need to give myself permission to experience what I do, feel how I do and if I can’t bolster my own confidence I have to allow myself to find that elsewhere because I know I have a proclivity to self destruct when things get overwhelming, and things often get overwhelming! I will never be able to feed my own self worth and confidence directly but I can do it indirectly; I might not see myself as particularly good at anything nor believe myself to be worthy or even relevant but those close to me certainly seem to; my partner does, my friends and family do and I can absolutely use that and to feed my peace.

And that helps me fell normal, or an illuaion of!