I’ve been off on my jolly holidays the last couple of weeks hence the lack of posts and a couple of happenings have made me think a lot about my own anxieties, how they manifest and in all honesty how I seem to ignore their lessons.

Let me explain.

I have already described how I have a really close nucleus of friends, each of whom have independently, and collectively dragged me kicking and screaming through manys a crisis or personal struggle. Around a year ago one of my tribe suggested a trip abroad to attend a music festival en masse. Instantly I agreed, picturing a fantastic few days filled with music, booze and laughs. All concerned agreed, my partner was absolutely up for it and plans were made.

Then the anxieties came into play.

Would I be good company? This was the first time my partner and I had been away with my group, would I make an arse of myself and embarrass him? What if he discovered that I was the drunken buffoon I used to be?

See the last few years we have all matured independently of one another, all grown and settled and our individual priorities have changed and the wild nights of reckless abandon are a thing of the past. Did this influence me at all? Of course it didn’t! All I could picture was the chaos of years gone by and was worrying myself that this would be the expectation and I couldn’t meet it.

So decisions were made that my partner and I would go and just enjoy the break, skip the festival and make our own fun. Off we went and in all honesty we had the absolute best time; lots of laughs, lots of booze and great company with four of the people I value the most on this earth.

No arguments, no bickering, no chaos and absolutely no expectations of me, but I should have known that. I should have realised the only expectations were my own and in my own head. We came back to the UK and I began to reflect on my lack of reflection.

Previously any time I would begin to become anxious about something, would begin to worry about a situation or begin to convince myself that things would go all wrong and would be torturous and miserable, each time almost without exception I would be proven completely wrong. Usually the events or gatherings I feared the most would turn out to be the most enjoyable; speaking at my sister’s wedding; organised parties or something as simple as going out to celebrate my own birthday.

As I’ve matured and abandoned some of the crutches I used to use these events have held such an all encompassing fear that I have completely wound myself up during the days prior to such a degree that I have not gone to some things that I absolutely should have. The ones I have attended have been a blast.

Every. Single. Time.

But when the anxieties take hold I would be completely consumed with doubt, fear and worthlessness. I would look at others and see their confidence, their effortless calm and be thoroughly envious to the point of wishing I could be like them, just for a day but as I explained here this projection or facade isn’t always accurate. Recent events have reminded me that the most fun loving, gregarious and apparently resilient of men often have battles within themselves that often overwhelm and destroy. But do I remember that when the red fug of anxiety is beginning to swallow me whole?

No.

As self aware as I am becoming I STILL allow my mind to run away with itself, sometimes I catch it but most of the time it bolts. I still seem to be really competent in flying from 0 to 100 in a split second, knowing full well that if I were to just stop, breathe and give myself 10 seconds to think, I can always bring myself down to earth.

If I just take the time to reflect on how far I’ve come on this journey, how well I’m beginning to know myself and how well I’m beginning to trust the universe I can always bring myself to the understanding that things will almost always be okay, things nearly always work out the way they are meant to.

if I take a minute or two to tegognise those feelings and sensations, pay heed to times previously that I have felt them and remember how those events unfolded I can usually begin to talk myself off the ledge, I know this!

Sounds easy eh? On reflection it’s not quite….