So as you guys are aware I’ve been spending a lot of time recently reflecting on exactly how my life has came to be what it is now, could I pinpoint exactly when the change began and how this change started to manifested. Was there ever a pivotal moment of change or was it  a series of small shifts resulting in what I can only really describe as a complete 360° turnaround from where I was to where I am now. To make sense of this I need to go back to where I feel these changes began to really flower and embed  and lessons began to be learned. That can only mean one thing.

The ManChild.

Writing this blog has given me an opportunity to go over my history with a magnifying glass looking at experiences, feelings and relationships. Now I know I’ve flitted over a lot of these details, some I’ll explain in greater depth as time goes on, others I will only ever pay lip service to but a main thread that will forever run through this outlet is the mechanics of relationships and one of the most precious has been with my partner. to understand why this is so paramount to my happiness I have to explain the most seminal romantic relationship I had previously.

Picture it. 2004, I’m living life the way I had for manys a year; work-sleep-party-repeat. Friendships are going great guns, my sister had just given me the gift of my niece and my relationship with my parents was okay. Okay in that I was respectful of them, mindful of them but very secretive with them. They knew I was queer but had never met any partner. They probably knew I was living fast and loose but never passed comment. In my mind they didn’t need or deserve to know. (Utterly selfish and dismissive I know, but at that time I was protecting my own truth as fiercely as I possibly could. Anyways, as always I digress…..).

I’d gone on a night out with a couple of friends to a pub, nothing wild, if I remember correctly it was a Wednesday or a Thursday night, my mate had just buried a family member and I was meeting her for a pint to commiserate. I’d taken my car and didn’t plan on a boozy night. Nor did I even consider i’d  meet anyone but meet someone I did. Almost 10 years younger, a bit quiet and mysterious but as usual as far as I could see no real future to be had. So we spent time, swapped numbers and began to see more of one another and before I realised what was happening it was a year later and plans had been made for us to go travelling round Australia.

Now don’t for one second think I was suddenly deliriously happy, I wasn’t. I wasn’t miserable but I can recall a few conversations with a few friends where I’d said if we were to split we would split regardless of what continent we were in. Talk about forward planning and optimism but oh how naive a boy can be! Anyhoos, off we went and if I’m honest for the most part we had an absolute ball, made some amazing memories and had some unforgettable experiences but in hindsight these were more because of who we were with and where we were than because of each other. One thing that did happen was I began to change, and initially not for the better, you see this lad had his own little bag of issues and try as I might I couldn’t not let his behaviours and particular struggles affect me.

Now it’s not my place to lay anyone else’s brand of crazy bare for all to see, that is not my right whatsoever but the chap’s particular struggles impacted on me so profoundly and so quickly it was happening before I realised. I became more and more withdrawn from my circle of peers, his needs and wants became more important than mine and I would do whatever he wanted me to do for a quiet life and to maintain an equilibrium but ultimately we became abusive to one another. Shitty behaviours on both parts descended into verbal and ultimately physical aggression. But still I kept the peace, again and again I would shelve my own needs and desires to placate someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I had THE BEST time on my travels but a lot of it was in spite of someone, not because of someone.

So we returned to the UK and very quickly I settled back into my old life, got a job within days and generally picked up where I’d left off. My partner wasn’t so lucky and struggled to be in his family home, struggled to go back to his old career and ultimately struggled being back in the UK. Despite having a very strong desire to make the break I agreed to move in with him and we got a flat together. Around this time one of my closest friends had arranged a birthday party for herself and he made it VERY clear to me that if I even thought of attending there would be repercussions (there was no love lost between him and my circle) so I didn’t go. I didn’t go and I hurt one of the people that I genuinely loved, that genuinely loved me all because my partner wanted it so.

Even in my emotionally stunted state I could see that this was absolutely a turning point. I wanted out, needed out and didn’t care for how this would leave him so I orchestrated the demise of the relationship. Let me just get one thing straight; we were assholes to one another, it wasn’t one sided in the slightest. For every shitty, selfish thing he would do I would find myself countering with my own demands, my own games and I began to loathe myself for it. I couldn’t seem to stop buying in to the manipulation and point-scoring but what it made me absolutely realise was up until that point I was spineless, emotionally I was nothing short of a boy playing at adults; I was a ManChild.

So we broke up. As soon as I started to walk away I didn’t look back, not for him, not for anyone or anything. In the aftermath I’d had absolute dog’s abuse from him and his mum, rightly or wrongly, because I’d caused this all.  I was aware that he’d had to move back to her house and that move would never go well. In the aftermath my family rallied round me and my friends gave me unshakeable support. The friends that I had distanced from during the relationship were all behind me, holding me up, pushing me on and not once, NOT ONCE did anyone say ‘told you so’. Not once did anyone bad mouth him or exonerate me from what I’d done, they gave me the love and support I needed to heal, to deal and to drag my ass forwards because they all knew one thing I hadn’t realised until the relationship was over.

He was my lesson.

I had to go through the darkness and allow myself to have had that experience to grow emotionally and be able to recognise when love comes along and to be able to appreciate it. They loved me and cared for me even when I thought I’d pushed them so far away there was no way back. They were there for me the second I needed them, no judgements, no questions asked. they gave me hope and restored my faith not just in them but in myself too. You see even though I’d wanted out and had resorted to my usual shitty behaviours to get out the guilt consumed me. I would feel sick to my stomach at the slightest thought of how it had all ended.

I’ll be honest here and say it wasn’t completely guilt at shitting all over my ex partner. The largest part was guilt at letting myself be part of the toxicity for so long and for letting myself down. On top of being self absorbed and cold I’d become manipulative and aggressive. I realised then that something had to change, something in me had to change. I couldn’t carry on being so self centred and single minded else I would be a very lonely loon. If I ever wanted to be someone’s lobster I would have to be a very different me, a more open and honest me.

As luck would have it the next few years were swallowed whole by my university course and embedding my learning in the first few years of my career but as I’ve previously said when time came for fate to introduce me to my partner I had already worked through quite a bit of my own bag of issues and was at a point where singledom didn’t scare me so when ‘the night’ came around, the one where you just talk I was as open and as honest as I could ever be and the rest, as they say is history. I guess what I am getting at is there was never a pivotal moment, an epiphany if you will that made be suddenly grow and mature, just the realisation that I was loved, genuinely, truly loved. My friendships are deeper, my family relationships are much much closer and my partner is absolutely my lobster.

Love alone pushes me to be a better me, to be the best friend, the best son, brother and uncle and the best partner I can be.

Sure is cold without my coat though.