So I realise I’ve been a little quiet of late and haven’t posted much on here but that’s not because I’ve had nothing to post, quite the opposite in fact. I’ve found lately that going over some of my thoughts and feelings in this blog hasn’t been as cathartic as I’d hoped. Actually it has often been anything but cathartic. I’ve spoken here about how I have struggled with guilt, boredom and a whole plethora of other selfishness in relation to disclosure but what’s been most prominent recently is the idea of positivity, or to be more accurate other peoples’ well meaning if misguided idea of positivity and just how damaging I can often find that.

Let me explain.

I’ve already documented here how as a child I would look at other people and other families and believe that mine was the only one that was broken, that I was the only person who had secrets, had demons. As I’ve grown and matured obviously that perception has changed and I’m aware that everyone has baggage, everyone has a story to tell and a “journey” to travel and on the whole that has helped me come to terms with my own brand of bampottery. I’m slowly but surely becoming more open and honest and much more comfortable talking but I’m discovering that when I DO talk I find that generally it means people feel compelled to give advice.

Now, I’m not adverse to advice. Lord alone knows I’m quite adept at giving it out but my problem lies with a common idea that positivity is key, more specifically keeping a Positive Mental Attitude. Please don’t take this the wrong way, I absolutely believe that there is mileage in trying one’s best to see the positive side of a negative situation. Mileage in having optimism that things will get better, holding hope I guess. But at the expense of negativity?

Bullsh*t. That is absolutely a hiding to nothing because that can absolutely NEVER work.

I’ve not spent the last few years doing my absolute buggering best to deal with my past and process my abuse to simply file it away and move on to green pasteurs and pay it absolutely no mind whatsoever. Nor do I intend in wallowing in self pity and woe-is-me-ness and losing sight of what is beautiful and lovely in my life right now. What I’m trying to be is realistic and to be realistic I have to embrace both the positive and the negative but be beholden to neither.

Positivity in my mind is like a half-truth, a half story. To me it is a deception; denying yourself and others of an experience or an emotion because you choose only accept and validate one side or one part of it, the part that is prettier and more acceptable. I’ve said before I believe in duality and dichotomy; ying and yang, night and day, dark and light etc etc and in my tiny mind I absolutely believe that to appreciate one you have to embrace the other.

Focussing solely on one or the other puts an immense pressure on my mental health and pressure on my mental health is entirely the LAST thing I need. I know I can very quickly dip in mood if I let negative thoughts run riot or if I allow myself to give legs to the darker aspects of my life. Conversely I find the idea of positivity nothing short of a pressure. I’m a decent guy, I try to be as nice as I can be and be as polite as I need to be but the utter hypocrisy of positive thinking is what I find repellant.

See in my mind no one is ALWAYS happy, no one is CONSTANTLY cheerful and let’s be honest everyone has that one person they can see far enough because no one person likes everyone they meet, and that’s fine. It’s okay to not like everyone as long as you don’t dislike everyone. It’s okay to care less about things as long as you’re not careless. It’s okay to be down at times as long as you can get back up again. It’s okay to be miserable from time to time as long as misery isn’t your constant companion.

What’s important is balance.

I don’t have to be Mary bloody Poppins ALL the time.