Here’s the thing, as I said a couple of weeks ago the first half of this year has been pretty mental what with house moves, home improvements, new jobs, Mal’s blog erupting and all the other lovely stuff that life generally entails. That doesn’t exactly leave me with an abundance of time to spend with blogs, bikes and all the things that make me hale and hearty. Nowadays I have my own wee life, my own wee wife and the time I have to spend in Dundee is quite limited. Lately though even that time has changed. Recently I’ve been a little bit selfish in how I spend what time I do have there and who I spend it with. I want to try to explain how selfishness is actually a good thing and really quite bloody liberating!

So: Selfish.

Bit of a negative word, don’t you think? It makes me imagine a bit of a wanker who puts themselves first at the expense of everyone else. Someone who has absolutely no interest in anyone or anything but their own damned self and has no desire or intention to change, thank you very much. Is selfishness really that much of a negative thing though? A couple of wee occurrences in the last few months have really made me question just how negative putting myself first is and how that ‘selfishness’ is having ramifications for me.

As always….let me explain!

You know how in every group of people, be that friends or family, every person has a bit of a purpose within it? Every individual serves a little role be that the organiser, the gobby one, the practical one, the emotional one or just the loveable arsehole. It’s usually how you end up being identified by everyone else because that is the part you play, who you are and who you’ve probably always been. Often it can be really difficult to move out of that position for many different reasons. Mostly though, it can be because some people don’t like other people changing and can sometimes see it as threatening. You’re getting a bit above your station. You’ve got tickets on yourself. Who does he think he is? That kind of guff. Sometimes though, change is inevitable.

Let me backtrack a little.

*Cue the smoke machines and whimsical music*

Back in the dark ages when I was a mere pup of a lad and finding my feet quite a few things happened for me round about the same time. I passed my driving test, got my first car and found freedom. I also found my tribe. I began to assemble the group of people that became my closest friends, my sheer lifeblood. Now as I’ve explained before (nuuuumerous times), until quite recently I have always lacked the confidence to be open and honest with people, always felt if I was then I’d risk losing relationships that meant the absolute world to me (idiot). So I found that I was a bit of a butterfly with my friends. I had a car where most of my pals didn’t and they mostly had flats where I didn’t, so I’d be the visitor. Always out and about, always seeing someone but probably coming over as very superficial and a little shallow.  Hopefully not fake or phony, just guarded.

So I’d kind of fleet in and out, spreading myself too thin and probably diluting myself a bit too. I’ve never been a lover of conflict or confrontation and if things happened I didn’t agree with or felt uncomfortable with I’d swallow my ire and just shut up. Keep quiet and pretend all was pretty and fluffy and just not voice anything, no siree. That became my role. A bit happy-go-lucky; easy going bordering on passive but someone who just went along with things. Now it goes without saying that I was exactly the same within my family; quiet, placid and very agreeable for want of a better word. Of course I was, If I challenged anything I’d challenge everything and it would probably end up bloody chaos, word vomit. But like I said, that’s changed.

A few weeks ago a really good friend of mine passed away very unexpectedly and very suddely. This loss has hit me hard. Not because I saw him every day, I didn’t. We lived miles apart and his life was as busy, if not busier than mine. It hit me hard because we really knew how much we meant to one another. He was a support to me and I him; he was a confidant for me and I him. He loved me and I him. Losing my friend has made me realise just how short life can be, just how pointless being bitter and resentful or silent and passive can be. It’s made me question quite a few situations that have been bumbling along for the last few years and helped me gain the confidence to make changes. Selfishly, of course.

I’m sure you guys can all imagine that over the last ten years or so my family has been on a bit of a rollercoaster what with secrets, lies, disclosures, estrangements, births, deaths and marriages and in no small part the aftermath of my brother. All the usual trials and tribulations that life generally throws at you. Now, before you crack open the violins I’m not eliciting sympathies from anyone. Every family goes through these struggles, every single one. It just sometimes feels that my little family has been going through this for a LOOOONG time. Through it all there have been some I’ve felt able to rely on but others? Maybe not so much. Some people regularly couldn’t or wouldn’t offer support be that because of their own life struggles or because they just genuinely didn’t give a shit. Either way it sometimes felt a bit one sided, but that was okay years ago. Now though?

Now it’s not nearly enough.

Maybe it’s me getting older, maybe it’s me getting less tolerant but part of my ‘role’ seemed to be that of supporter. If anyone was navigating some troubles I would always try to help if I could, even by just offering a chat or a distraction. Must be the nurse in me. A lot of the time though that was never reciprocated by some that I’d expected to and I had to rely on others which often left feeling a little bit……dissapointed. Now I know that it’s so easy to become so utterly entrenched in your own mountainous shit that you can really develop tunnel vision. You don’t neccesarily see when those around you are on the bones of their arse and struggling to stand. I know this only too well, I’ve done it myself. When it happens time and time again though it feels a little bit more of a disinterest in me than an inability to help. So I need to be selfish.

I used to worry how people saw me. I wanted to be seen as a good guy, a decent guy. Someone that others thought a lot of and I would try to project an image of myself that I thought people would like. Probably at the expense of authenticity. By not speaking my mind and being true to myself I was absolutely being dishonest. The best bit of advice I’ve ever been given is that other people’s opinion of me is none of my business whatsoever. this doesn’t give me carte blanche to behave like an arsehole and do whatever the fuck pleases me. Nor does it give me the right to treat others badly. It does however give me permission to treat others accordingly.

There always comes times when you have to take stock and work out who and what are improtant. What benefits and what doesn’t. what is rewarding and what isn’t. Unforunately that often extends to people. I’m not justifying cutting anyone off, that’s not what I’m doing. Well, not entirely. I suppose what I’m getting at is that lately I’ve realised that it’s actually okay to be a little selfish, put your own needs first and detach from some situations, or some people for that matter. As long as you have good reason.

And that I guess is probably the most important part of this. I need to be honest with myself before I can be honest with anyone else. If  I have good reasons to remove myself from certain situations, certain people then I need to stand by those reasons and just….walk away. If i feel that I’m maybe being a little used, maybe even having the piss taken out me then it’s time to draw a line in the sand and back off. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, It’s not dismissing others or behaving like an asshole. It’s about standing in the centre of your own truth and doing what’s best for you and yours and there is nothing wrong with looking after what’s important to you.

And that, my dears is how I’m being completely and utterly, seadfastly and woderfully selfish!