So 2018 has come to an end and like many people I’m feeling a little introspective. I guess it’s probably quite natural to feel this way as one year ends and another begins but I think the reason I’m so reflective just now is that 2018 has been a pretty definitive year for me. I’ve changed in ways I never thought I would, made choices I never thought I could and actually came through 2018 with no regrets.

As always, let me explain.

As most of you are aware I packed up my little life in January of this year and moved up to Aberdeen lock, stock and both barrels to be with Mal and to begin to lay down some roots. I guess you could say that most of it has gone swimmingly; he’s not murdered me yet, he still seems to quite like me and like I’ve said before I still really like him. What I have realised though is that I spent most of the first half of 2018 angry. Angry with myself for the most part but angry nonetheless.

You see there were a few things happened over the first 6 months of 2018 that made me realise quite a bit about myself. Firstly, I’m emotionally passive, a people pleaser if you will. Rather than rock the boat and challenge anyone I would tend to bite my tongue and accept things I maybe shouldn’t have rather than face confrontation. Now, I already know I am like this but over the early part of the year this utter passivity became more and more apparent until I got myself to the point where I just couldn’t tolerate it any longer.

I explained here how that began to change within me but I guess the second realisation has been that the catalyst for the change was anger. You know that moment when you realise that some folk are more important to you than you are to them? Well, that. I began to feel that I was betraying myself in a way, giving a massive part of me away for absolutely no return which kinda sucks. That made me angry with myself.

Angry because I’d spent most of my childhood years feeling less than and here I was just blindly accepting the same feelings of not being good enough because of others’ clear disinterest. Angry because I was letting it colour what should have been a thoroughly enjoyable time settling into my life with Mal. Angry that I was actually letting it bother me.

That has led to the third realisation; I’m much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. Like I say I hate confrontation, probably like most folk the whole world over but I especially hate it because I would usually lose my bottle and back down, beginning to question whether or not I was actually in the right. That’s kinda changed this year and I’ve found it has led to a massive shift of emotions for me.

Since losing one of my close friends earlier this year I’ve started to develop a little more confidence within myself and trust my own instincts a little more which in turn led me to begin to remove myself from some situations and distance myself from certain people. I’m not going to pretend that has been easy, quite the opposite actually but what I’ve since found is that my life didn’t exactly collapse, I wasn’t hung, drawn or quartered nor was I pilloried or (particularly) challenged. No repercussions. In fact very little appears to have been affected other than I feel a little…..lighter.

I’m not angry anymore and certainly not with myself. If anything I feel a bit of a calm indifference really. I understand that the anger I felt came from a place of hurt and anger was how I would let that hurt manifest but like I say, that has shifted. I can’t be arsed being angry anymore, it’s too bloody tiring and has so far got me nowhere. It achieves very little in the end and it certainly doesn’t help me get my point across. Now that I have distanced myself from negative people and debilitating situations all I genuinely feel is indifference. No anger, no bitterness, no interest.

That emotional shift has actually given me a little freedom and the last few months have actually been really positive for me and mine. I’ve been able to focus on those that I matter to and those that matter to me the most. I feel like Aberdeen has finally began to feel like home, my relationships in Dundee have gone from strength to strength and my little family unit has pulled closer and we are all the better for it. It also means I have finally been able to thoroughly enjoy Christmas

I used to utterly fucking dread Christmas. for me Christmas was mostly work, see my folks and my sister’s family briefly then work again on boxing day. A fair few Christmases through the years felt a little fake if I’m really honest. Extended family pleasantries felt forced, probably in the same way as pretty much every other family in the world; playing at being nice just to get through the festive season without punching someone in the throat. New Year was always more my time to have fun. See my friends, let go and get hammered. This year though, this year was different.

Ma and Pa B came down from the Northern wilderness of Wick to spend Christmas with Mal and I and this year I got to play at hostess with the leastess. Christmas day with the out-laws was an absolute blast, boxing day was spent in Dunders with my family which was also a complete hoot. For the first time in a long time I was able to really relax and just enjoy it, no stress, no worry and no anxieties. Goes to show a little self belief can take you anywhere!

New Year though? Bedded by 10pm. Auld b@st@rd!!

Happy New Year and all the best for 2019!