Bitter? Angered? Downtrodden? A victim?

None of the above actually, and I don’t think stronger is the right word either if I’m honest. In the last post I explained how “sorry” is such a difficult word for me to accept, how empathy is much much more important than sympathy. I believe that without going through the things I have gone through I wouldn’t have the particular set of skills that I do, the particular toolkit that I have. Lots of people are abused,  experience depression, withstand bereavement, struggle to accept themselves and self destruct. Lots of people experience many of these things at the same time so why the hell should I be any different? What makes me so damned special that I feel the need to write about it?

Because I’m me. Not lots of people, not other people. Me.

When I began to get my act together I made an off the cuff decision to apply to become a nurse. (I often find that off the cuff decisions usually bear the best fruit, but as usual, I digress.) I was just back from Australia, was still with the ManChild and had a job as a customer service advisor for BT. (Nothing at all wrong with that, it just wasn’t enough for me). I was utterly miserable and overheard a conversation where someone had said they had just applied to nursing school, I have an intrinsic need to help people so thought f**k it, fired off an application and forgot all about it, I mean there was no WAY I’d get an interview never mind a place, right?

Wrong!

One interview, an unconditional acceptance and 3 months later I’m at my induction meeting my cohort and shitting my pants. 8 Years on from that day and I’ve been a qualified Mental Health Nurse for the last 4 and a half years. My career has been the making of me and I have been privileged to work with people at the most vulnerable points of their recovery. Every day I get a very sacred opportunity to help a fellow human being through some of the darkest days of their lives, I get to hold hope for someone when hope is the only thing they have.

I absolutely believe that had I not have had the formative life that I did, had I not experienced some of the worst sides of mankind, the toughest lessons of life then I would be absolutely ignorant of the sheer beauty of being able to sit with someone and hold their hand when their world, their life as they see it is collapsing around them and being able to say to them ‘I’ve got this, you’re safe here’. To feel the power in just being with someone when they are at their lowest, their deepest despair and being able to say ‘I know where you are, I’ve been there too and this too shall pass’ is probably the most powerful thing I have and will ever experience.

I’ve said before that I am thankful. That is not flippant, I am genuinely thankful for my life so far. Thankful I was abused, thankful I was given the time and space to heal at MY pace, thankful I was allowed to make the bad decisions and mistakes that I did and thankful that I was exposed to some of the darker and harder sides of life because I can absolutely appreciate how wonderful my adulthood is becoming. My immediate family is everything, my partner Malcolm is life itself and My career is my calling; I get to help my fellow man, what’s not to like about that!

That which does not kill me doesn’t make me stronger, it makes me better and for that I’m absolutely blessed!!