So I guess it looks like I’ve been a bit remiss of late and not really spent any time here, not really posted anything, not really bothered with it, not really interested anymore.

Not even close.

The thing is I’ve not really been in a place where I’ve felt able to post anything remotely interesting, nothing worth reading, nothing even close to positivity and that’s because I haven’t really been anywhere close to feeling positive of late. I’ve been angry, frustrated, short tempered, complaintive and downright negative. Generally as far removed from my usual self as it’s possible to be and I’ve felt I’ve been becoming someone I have absolutely no desire to become.

All because everything is changing but nothing has changed.

See, for the last year or so I’ve known that my life has been heading for a major shift but have dragged my heels in allowing it. I’ve continued to live out of the boot of my car, not really in Aberdeen because I work in Dundee and not really in Dundee because my lobster is in Aberdeen. I’ve spent more time on the A90 than in my own bed and seen Stracathro Services more often than my own toilet and had the priviledge of racking up 33,000 miles in the last twelve months for my troubles.

Now let’s not crack out the violins quite yet, this set up has served a purpose. I’ve been able to keep an eye on my parents, on my family and on my friends but it’s been getting real old for a while now. The constant travelling had begun to really get me down. Little things that would normally wash over me would suddenly become massive issues; I had zero patience for anyone or anything, road rage was a massive problem and I was so bloody tired all the time I didn’t know if I was coming, going or if I’d even been. You know that feeling when you begin to realise your life isn’t really your life? Well that.

All because everything was changing but me.

So what do I do? If I dont go with it I don’t move forward and I run the risk of losing everything. Every last bit of effort I’ve put in over the last few years, every single step I’ve taken up to now will be pointless so really I’ve no choice but to pull my finger out of my fat arse and let it happen. But to do that I’ve had take control and start making  some of those changes; some of them easy, some of them less so but I’ve had no option but to do it. (Only thing with that is we all know I don’t do things by halves eh?)

A few months back I had started a Bank Nursing post with NHS Grampian (ad-hoc nursing for those that don’t know) to earn extra cash and maybe get my face known, get a feel for the Aberdeen services and take a bit of time to work out where I wanted to be. You know the sort of thing, slowly slowly, catchee monkey. All was going swimmingly, I had had a few shifts in different wards, some I liked, some less so but in general I was enjoying the post. Meanwhile In other news challenges in my full time post were beginning to build and I began to get “the knot” every time I pulled into the car park, that feeling of dread mixed with anxiety and coated in utter defeat.

Now, I’m not exactly an idiot nor am I ignorant of how the universe influences me and I’m well aware that had I not had the mahoosive commute or felt so unsettled in my private life then work would not have been such a struggle but I’m also aware that in the back of my head I kinda knew I was time-limited in the role and started to realise that as things began to become more and more difficult I couldn’t really influence the changes that I wanted to see because I couldn’t exactly follow them through so the only real option for me was to exit stage left. That might sound a bit defeatist, or a bit like I’d disengaged but that honestly couldn’t be farther from the truth. I think that was the point I’d had enough. Enough of travelling, of suitcases, of goodbyes, of the A90 and enough of the inside of my little fucking Vauxhall.

So I handed in my notice.

No permanent post to go to, no guaranteed shifts, no financial security, just handed in my notice. See, I don’t do things by halves do I? The luck of it was right after I had resigned there was a permanent post advertised in a unit I had worked in and really enjoyed, so I applied. I applied and began to stress (as usual). Would I be good enough? Would I be who they wanted? What if I didn’t get it? I had minimal experience but they were determined to see me and even changed my interview date to accommodate me so surely that was a good indication, right?  But still I worried.

(Why in the name of ARSE do I do this to myself? I KNOW I’m a worrier, I KNOW I stress myself beyond belief over next to nothing but still I seem determined to frighten the shite out of myself on a regular basis for absolutely no buggering reason whatsoever, but as always….I digress).

So to cut a LOOOONG and contrived story short, as is ALWAYS the case once I started to pay attention to the signals the universe was sending me everything moved at lightspeed. I secured the post, my family were IMMEDIATELY behind me and the pressure just…dissapeared, literally just left me. I could see exactly what was ahead of me. Could I accept it though? I guess we’ll just need to wait and see eh?

As it stands I’ve left my old post (gutted). I’ve all but moved in properly (once the ginger Ninja gets round to creating space for all my fancy frocks), and I start my new post on Monday (exciting!!). I’m looking forward to getting settled and finally putting down some roots with Mal, getting this house finished (more on that another time) and making more memories.

Oh, but have you ever felt that you’ve betrayed your closest friend? That you’ve just walked away from the one thing that has carried you through so much it’s almost impossible to put into words? Well the old Mercedes is gone.

Utterly

Fucking

Heartbroken.

But that’s a whole ‘nother post.