I’m gonna be really honest here, I don’t exactly know where I am with this right now. I’ve had dozens of false starts trying to put into words what’s bumbling through my head and each time I write something, anything, it just doesn’t read like I want it to. I’m not even sure I have anything remotely prophetic to say but for some buggering reason I’m struggling to get my words out. I get a paragraph, maybe two and then…..nothing.

Blank.

For the past year or so this has been my little outlet, a diary of myself where I’ve been allowed to be as honest as I’ve ever been and as open as I can ever be and it’s been painful, cathartic, therapeutic and at times raw. But it’s been me and it’s been mine and right now I have no fucking idea what to do with it or where to go with it. Now don’t read too much into that, I’m not feeling overwhelmed, I’m not feeling disastrously unhappy nor am I feeling defeated, I think I’ve just lost a bit of direction because what I am feeling is a bit insecure and probably a bit stupid.

Let me explain why.

As you all know back at the start of January I moved my life lock, stock and barrel to Aberdeen to be with Mal, to be able to FINALLY settle into our house, FINALLY move our wee life together onwards and upwards and FINALLY lay down some roots. Straight off the bat let me say that the move has been ace. I get to be with this wonderful person every single day of my life and STILL all we really do is laugh (usually him laughing at how much of a belter I actually am but as usual, I digress). I genuinely could not be any happier than I am now nor do I ever remember feeling this happy before. Part of the move was obviously a change of work role and this is where some of the insecurities have come in to play.

The change of role has not just been a change of post, it’s a change of health board, a change of service and critically a change of pace. My roles prior to this have been quite fast paced and most definitely quite intensive. This post is different. The way of working is much more security focussed and decision making is much more considered and thought out. That in itself isn’t a bad thing at all, what grieves me is it gives me more time to think, moreover it gives me more time to second guess myself and if I’m honest pick myself apart. I should know more about the service (I’ve been there 8 weeks), should be able to lead better (I actually seem to be doing okay), should just be…..better. See the thing is coming from a past like I have, it really doesn’t take an awful lot for me to feel less than; less than competent, less than confident and definitely less than worthy.

Now I’m not saying I generally think I’m incompetent, I don’t, I just feel I should be more than I am, that there are expectations on me that I feel I need to exceed. Expectations I might add I put on myself, by myself and for myself. It doesn’t really matter how much positive reinforcement I give myself or get from others, my default setting is ALWAYS self critical and that of a very, very negative self image. It just is. I know in myself that change knocks me off and lately there has been a lot of change and I don’t think I really grasped just how massive it would all be.

See, I’d spend lots of time in Aberdeen, the house wasn’t a new environment, Mal wasn’t exactly unknown to me and I’d already done a few shifts around the hospital so had an idea of what to expect. Or at least I thought I did. What I didn’t realise was by combining all of it together I’d be a bit…..lost. If my private life was unstable then work was always my ballast. If work was unsettled then the comfort of home was always my anchor. As I’ve said previously things had got to a point where realistically the only option I really had whether I liked it or not was to bite the bullet and just move. So I moved. I changed all of it. At the same time.

Genius idea pal.

I think what’s troubling me is that up to this point (of moving) I was a bit of a Peter Pan. Life for me was a bit shallow, no pressure and certainly little in the way of responsibility. I’d go as far as to say that I was probably a little emotionally immature in a way. Sure I have dealt with things that many people won’t ever have to and probably pulled myself through some struggles that many people might not be able to but the normal adult day to day stuff? I was utterly shit at that.

I hadn’t really had the normal grown up relationships that maybe I should have. Hadn’t had to worry about standing on my own two feet with someone else beside me and other than a period of time I was fannying about abroad, I had certainly never really lived completely independent of my folks. (Not that that’s a bad thing, circumstances have meant I’ve been able to support them just as much as they have me and I wouldn’t change a damned second of it!)

I guess I was comfortable. Too comfortable probably but I hadn’t exactly been stagnant. Some things had changed over the years, some hadn’t. My career was changing but my home life wasn’t. My financial security was changing but my car hadn’t, things like that. I realise some things hadn’t changed mainly because I like familiarity. I like things to progress but I like things to stay the same. Kinda like being back at school, hating your teacher on the first day but being utterly bereft to leave them on the last, I know I’m like this so why I thought I’d be fine packing up my little car and changing every aspect of my life in one fell swoop I have no idea but change it all I have and deal with that I must.

Please, please, please don’t think I’m miserable or regret moving, I’m not and I don’t. It’s just too much new at once I reckon. Like a new pair of undies. You love the old comfy ones but they are a bit worn out and bullet-holed so you buy a new pair that are a bit stiff and not nearly as comfy the first few times you wear them, but the more you wear them the more they fit. It’s kinda like that, I need to give myself time to adjust. Time to let my new normal become ‘normal’. Time to let myself settle into Grampian and actually appreciate where my life is now.

And I need to go put my big boy pants on.